Stop and Have Some Ice Cream

The chocolate cream of melted vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup. . . I think I enjoyed it more than the ice cream itself.  I can taste still.  I can see myself scraping off the bottom of a shallow white bowl.  A shallow white bowl with yellow flowers printed around the sides.  That 70’s yellow  style flower print.  I don’t know if I knew the bowls were 70’s bowls then, but I can see them now.  

Just as I can see myself sitting at that dining room table, late on a summer’s eve – scraping the melted chocolate cream.  Sitting in a world I thought would never change.  A world I thought would exist forever.  Just like I thought she would never change.  Just like I believed she would last forever.  

We must have exhausted her, us three girls.  Full of energy and mischief.  But she never showed it.  She patiently and lovingly fed us ice cream and chocolate syrup at the end of each summer evening.  I can see the room, kitchen light off.  Only the dining room light and lamp by her chair illuminating the paneled walls.  

We ate ice cream and laughed.  We didn’t know we should savor these moments but we devoured them because they consumed us with joy and love.  That world I didn’t know would change.  That world I didn’t know I’d grow older and miss so much.  As a child it seemed as though it had always been and would always be.  Sweet moments – sweet as that ice cream treat before bed.  Summers spent with my Grandma, sister and cousin.  

Now I know nothing stays the same, everything changes.  But I don’t know of to stop it, how to savor it, how to embrace it the way I did as a child.  The innocent way I did before I knew.  The simple way it happened before the years took her to heaven and made our lives so busy we rarely speak.  

Some say stop and smell the roses.  Maybe I should stop and have some ice cream.  Stop and remember the magical world I thought would never change.  And be grateful it is a part of me today.  

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Dreams of More

I feel stuck!  I had two very promising jobs seek me out, they came to me.  I didn’t apply to them- they called me.  Called me talking of working from home and big pay raises and made me hope and dream of more than where I am.  They strung me along for weeks, maybe over a month by now for what?  One already hired someone else and I do not have an overly optimistic feeling about the other.  

Which reconfirms that old tape of worthlessness.  

It makes the chains of my current job feel stronger and heavier.  

I am probably selfish and spoiled but I have tried for six years; ten if you count the entire time I’ve been in the business and not been able to find happiness.  

My heart, my soul cries for more.  Demands something different.  I wish I could silence it – truly I have tried.  I have tried to find the good, to stay with the gratitude of being employed and employable.  But it never lasts.  My gipsy souls rages in the suffocating box it has been crammed into.  It won’t let me settle.  It refuses to allow me peace.  

So I have no choice but to continue the search- to continue to dream- to continue to wrestle with my inner self.  

But dreamers dream.  And I am far from defeated.  Just frustrated.  balloon-1951459_1920

Lack of Emotional Energy

My dear friend texted me last night, “I’m so tired I feel like can’t do this today I’m emotional and exhausted.” It was her first full day home with her beautiful new born son.  Her first child.

I saw her text as my 3 year old was crying because I wouldn’t let her eat cereal instead of lasagna for dinner; my 4 year old was crying because I couldn’t sit and do her preschool “homework” with her yet; and my 10 year old was crying because I was making him do his homework.

I just smiled and texted back, “If it makes you feel any better I don’t think I can emotionally do this tonight either.”

Motherhood can be trying no doubt.  Then at the same time the most rewarding, enjoyable, amazing job I’ve ever done.  Those moments of chaos pass.  Within the hour the 3 year old was playing in the bath, my 4 year old and I sat at the kitchen table and did her homework, and my 10 year old wrote a wonderful paper despite himself.

I checked on her later and she and baby were snuggled up sleeping.  You can’t explain it before you experience it.  I am so grateful to be a part of this roller coaster ride called motherhood.

And they think woman are complicated?


So it is the notorious Valentine’s Day again! Most men I know will be panicking if they are involved in a relationship.

I heard a DJ early this week state that five days prior to Valentine’s Day is the most common date for relationships to end.

 I don’t know why they are stressing? In my opinion woman are the easiest to please on Valentines in most cases! Flowers, chocolates, a nice card, dinner, something sexy to sleep in, a stuffed animal, jewelry- I mean the list is like endless!

But what do we get our men? If I order you flowers he’d be embarrassed. Does he want a box of chocolates? My husband is not into jewelry or clothes.

So from where I’m standing it is 20x more difficult for the woman in a relationship to show her man that she loves him and wants to celebrate him on Valentines. A man can go anywhere from Hallmark to the gas station and come home with a winning display of love. What should I get?

Bottom line quit your complaining guys, we are not that complicated. At least when it comes to Valentine’s Day.  

Bogged Down

This may not be my best post ever but I have found myself bogged down by life the last month.  So I promised myself I would write something today!  Here is that “something”.  Truthfully I have pre-written lots of stuff but have struggled to dedicate the time to figure out how to make my website function the way I have envisioned it to function.

And I have to take responsibility for that.  It is not a WordPress issue or a template issue.  It is me only opening the site once every two weeks.  This is new to me.  It is a challenge to learn any new task but especially if you only breeze by it intermittently with large gaps of time in between.

I keep buying into the excuses of my “real” job draining me.  Which is true but also should be the motivation to stay more engaged in my development.

Then there are all the kids activities from school, to ballet, to hockey to play dates and birthday parties.

On top of meal planing, house cleaning, bills, laundry. . .

The struggle is real party people.

But nothing changes if nothing changes.  I want to write.  I don’t want to stay in my current job.  And I am responsible for making that happen.

There is my something for today.  🙂



Motherly Advice. . .

Mommy Mayhem Happy New Year!  How has yours gone so far?  I started mine of with a bang – day two – with my wonderful motherly advice. . .

January 2nd is my youngest’s birthday.  I love that girl so much. She is feisty, fearless and full of life.  She got here that way.  But she is also a bitter, pincher and hitter.  Her favorite target is her big sister.  We call big sister Princess because she is the princess.  And in good princess fashion she is as dramatic as the day is long and cries at the drop of a hat.  Man I love her too!!

Anyways- the other day I told Princess that she did not have to let her little sister push her around.  That if Bitsy hit her she could hit her back and I would not be mad.  Fantastic motherly advice right?

So January 2nd I run out for 15 minutes to get paper plates for Bitsy’s birthday party.  As I come through the door returning home everyone is crying and screaming.  I drop the bag and rush to the source of the loudest crying to find Bitsy with blood running down her face and her nose swelling 10x its normal size!

Evidently, Princess heeded my wonderful motherly advise, and when Bitsy bite her Princess wacked her right in the face with a toy pointer she’d got from Santa Clause.  Mind you it is Bitsy’s birthday and the rest of the family will be there shortly.

Initially all I could think was what have I done?  Great advise I gave!  Now my three-year old has a busted nose for her birthday.  And Princess (who is just 4) felt horrible about it.

But as I’ve let it sink in I kind of think maybe they are both better off for the experience.  Bitsy is going to have to learn that sometimes people strike back.  And Princess needs to know she can stand up for herself if she has to.

I have tried to let it go and just prayed for God to help me be the mother they need.

And the blessing is we will all get to practice again another day.  #spiritualimperfection


Daily Prompt: Renewal

via Daily Prompt: Renewal


Renewal.  Common thought as we approach the new year. I hear so often, “Oh what’s the point” “Why even bother?”  “You’ll never stick to it anyway”.

But I am going to chose to cast out those pessimistic attitudes.  I am going to believe in the possibilities that lay ahead.  I am going have hope in the future and not wallow in despair, trapping myself with my own self defeating condemnations.

This year I will renew.

I will renew my writing goals.

I will renew my dedication to this blog.

I will renew the search for a life that allows me to spend the quality time with my family I crave and search for a way out of my current career that I dread.

One Day At A Time.

One post, essay, chapter, sketch at a time, I will renew.

If you hear the same thing twice. . .

During a very critical phase of my life I was told often if I heard the same thing twice it wasn’t a coincidence and I needed to pay attention.  Tonight I happen to come across the saying, “Shoot for the moon and even if you miss you will be among stars” – twice.

The first time as my husband and I were stumbling through Barns and Noble desperately trying to find a gift for my father’s birthday Friday.  It was on a sign in a section of other cute up lifting slogans.  There were probably twenty or so on the display, but that happen to be the only one I read.

Thought nothing of it until just a moment ago when I came across the saying again, “Shoot for the moon and even if you fail you will be among stars” in a book I had started reading over a year ago that I just happen to pick back up tonight.

Coincidence?  I think not.

I had started this blog then got sucked into Christmas.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Christmas.  Everything about it.  But it does become all consuming and somewhat overwhelming.

Though I wanted to be writing I just couldn’t find the energy after wrapping present until my hands hurt each night after working all day, trying to bake the goodies ahead of time, attending the parties, end of the year gifts and hosting the out of town guest.

With the distractions, the fear of this not working out found room to grow.  Each day I didn’t write the whole dream began to flicker and started to fade.

So seeing those words of encouragement was absolutely no coincidence but my renewed resolve.

I hope you all had a beautiful, magical Christmas and enjoy a Happy New Year.

2017 Here I come!

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Writing to who?

Working my way through the WordPress fundamentals I was asked to identity who I am writing to.  Who is my ideal audience?  Being new and green my first thought was anyone who would read it!

But with a little deeper reflection I am probably reaching out to other moms.  Especially working moms like me who are juggling both roles.

I truly hope to connect with other writers.  All writers.  Bloggers, authors, copywriters . . . I want to learn more and find inspiration in your journeys.  I am seeking companionship in this uncharted venture.

Lastly, a lover of all arts I would also love to connect with artists of all mediums.  Painters, singers, dancers, actors, graphic designers and the like.  I am the product of an artist and art has always been a moving and important part of my life.  Even if I am stuck behind a boring desk at the moment composing this.

The weight and dread of this desk is my ultimate inspiration.  It is what causes my soul to scream out for more. For something different.  For something that makes me feel alive!

So if you are out there follow me!  Let us see where this goes. . .

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